Sometimes life challenges can be one big thorn on the flesh ,that make you reason why "its always happening to me" . you feel stuck in chronic self-punishment? Do
you reflexively turn against yourself with anger
or scorn whenever you feel embarrassment, a
lack of control, rejection or failure? Do you yell(scold )
at yourself, call yourself names, cut off from
people who care about you or neglect your
physical needs? Do you sometimes even feel
compelled to inflict physical harm on yourself?
Have you tried to tell yourself that this pattern
is not constructive, but find that you still cannot
seem to stop beating yourself up? Do remind
yourself you are lovable and valuable, but still
continue to self-attack?
You are not alone.
Self-punishment is so persistent because it is an
all-purpose defense against the pain of life. And
life is full of pain. We have strong needs for
connection, acceptance, success, and approval,
but we are faced with the reality that
sometimes people reject us, get disappointed
with us, and put their needs ahead of ours.
People we love, suffer and die and our life dreams do not always come true.
When we feel this pain, we build up energy
because we are wired to try to do something
about it. This energy can be experienced
internally as anger or even rage. It motivates us
to reach out to get comfort for our pain and it
drives us to get back out there and try again to
get what we want or need.
What if, however, we have been repeatedly and
consistently shot down, or ignored or scorned or
attacked for trying to get our needs met, or
neglected when we have asked for comfort, or
abused when we have tried to use our power?
Here is where self-punishment comes in. When
reaching out into the world no longer feels safe
or helpful, we take our anger and rage and turn
it back onto ourselves. We begin to believe, on
an unconscious level, that ‘I am the problem.
When I feel rejection or failure, it is my fault
and I must punish myself.’ Our resulting self-
attacking behaviors therefore do not reflect our
desire to feel pain; much to the contrary, they
are our hope for fixing the pain by sufficiently
punishing its cause – our selves.
Instead of solving our problems, however, our
self-attacks leave us beaten down and isolated.
We become decreasingly connected to other
people and increasingly imprisoned within our
self-punishment. We become so familiar with
our habit of attacking ourselves that it starts to
feel like a permanent part of who we are. Trying
to change it may even feel unsafe.
Our anger at ourselves might consume us and
distract us from being present and engaged with
our lives. Our relationships, our connections to
our bodies, and our drives toward creative or
professional development could get derailed or
weighed down by the vice grip of continual self-
punishing. We can lose sight of what we truly
want and need. We are at risk for getting
horribly off track and making poor choices,
trying to escape with drugs or alcohol,
developing destructive habits with food, and
then feeling even more reason to punish
ourselves as we start to regret our behaviors.
So how do we liberate ourselves from our self-
punishing tendencies?
First of all, we need to recognize that self-
punishment may be so deeply entrenched that
no amount of telling ourselves to be nice to
ourselves is going to make much difference. In
fact, it might cause us to be even more self-
punishing when, in our usual self-attacking way,
we get mad at ourselves for failing at being nice
to ourselves!
We also must move beyond a focus on self-
esteem. It may seem logical that if we could just
find self-love and acceptance, then we would
start being nicer to ourselves. Creating a more
positive sense of self is, of course, critically
important for improving our health and well-
being; self-punishment, however, is far more
complex than a lack of self-esteem.
Moving beyond self-punishment becomes
possible when we get the help that we need to
navigate in a new way when we feel pain.
Instead of relying on self-attacks, we practice
leaning on others to comfort us and soothe our
pain. We begin to internalize this comforting
feeling and become increasingly capable of self-
soothing. We develop compassion for our pain
and acceptance of our many human needs.
Over time, we find that we have resilience to
manage the pain of real life and the skill to
identify and pursue what we want and need.
Courageously, we release ourselves from self-
punishment and turn our energy back out into
the world.
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