The new kind of resolution

It's about new year!,you might be planning about writing resolutions or probably have written one.new Year’s Eve is traditionally a time that we attend to the tick of the clock. As we do so, we reflect on the previous year, resolving to do better this coming year.Most resolutions people make are repetitive,year after year. We’re going to achieve more, exercise more, drink less, get spiritually devoted,save money,be better organized, be more patient and spend more time with family and friends.
Wonderful ideas!. So how come it takes you (if you’re like most folks) about 7 to 10 days to fall
off the wagon? Just some days you set off for the  journey
Are you just weak-willed? Or could it be that something’s wrong with your resolutions? It could, of course, be both. But let’s see what
happens if you create different types of resolutions. Here are my top 11.

1. I will believe that I am good enough. I am not
perfect, not flawless, not faultless, yet, I am good enough. Hence, I am worthy of love and
respect (both from myself and others).

2. I will acknowledge that I am a work in progress.
I may not be everything I want to be, yet I can take pride in who I am right now because I am changing

3. I will switch my negative narrative (I can’t do this) to a positive one (but one thing I can do is…).

4. I will remind myself that no matter how challenging my struggles are, I have much to be grateful for.

5. When I feel vulnerable and lost, I will seek understanding and connection, rather than numbing myself with drugs, drink,  food,self pity and complains

6. I will appreciate the best in myself rather than comparing myself to others to notice how I fall
short.

7. I will feed my thirst for knowledge by being curious, learning more about what piques my interest.

8. I will remind myself that there is no quick way through life’s worst moments, but those moments won’t be forever and I won’t always
feel so alone.

9. I will do my best to respond to criticism with grace, generosity and goodwill as I learn yet another way that people can perceive things.

10. I will scale back on all the things I believe I ‘have to’ do so that I make time for nurturing
myself and those closest to me.

11.I may not have serve God in a better way this year,yet I will not give in to the pressure to give up I will continue to press on .
What do you think of these types of resolutions?
I like them. Why? Because I believe that greater acceptance of self has the potential to create
more meaningful changes than only focusing on
what you dislike about yourself.

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comparison with others

Comparison is the act of evaluating personal self worth in terms of others.comparing yourself with others is very much good only within a certain proportion at which you are able to spring   positively  .
However most people get into comparison resulting to self pity at the end. This very attitude should be  extremely examine in order to have peaceful daily living as this may result to suicide  “You shouldn't compare yourself to others!”,
people might tell you.
Of course, without an explanation this is
about as good advice as “Just be yourself!” or
“Just be more confident!”.
Most likely it will not help at all.
So, why shouldn’t we compare ourselves to
others?
One reason is that there is always someone –
or more likely, a bunch of folks – better than
you.
If you focus your mind to compare your life to
other people´s lives you will always find
someone new above you. And your self-
esteem will take a beating.
If you get a nicer shoe to feel better compared
to neighbour next door and you will feel
satisfied for a while. The next day, on you
way to work, you notice that the guy who's
always out working at mechanic shop has an even better shoe than you.One of the big reasons we compare our lives
is to get approval. And in general I think that
wanting approval from others is a big obstacle
in both personal growth and living a happy
life. We may want the neighbours, friends
etc. to think/say: “Did you see that new car/
swimming-pool/shoes? It is the coolest on the
block. S/he´s is moving up in the world”.
A problem with comparing yourself to others
and wanting approval from them is that you
let others control how you feel in life. You feel
bad when you are saving for the new car. You
feel great when you finally have gotten
enough money to drive it home. And then you
feel bad again when you see that someone
else has an even finer automobile.
It´s a bit like being puppet and having other
people pulling the strings. They limit you
movements and your life. You might have
some movement but the strings controls
which way you are going.
How to gain that inner freedom
The thing about lessening your need for
approval is that you have give up both
positive and negative approval. They are
connected because when if you no longer
crave positive cheers and approval from
people then you will no longer have fears of
not getting that approval either.
When you really start to give it up – which
might have to be done over time and with
patience as your ego probably will want to
snap back to seeking that sweet, sweet
approval – you start to realise that neither of
them are that important. They are really only
as important as you decide they are. You are
what you think you are and the world is what
you think it is.
Another way to free yourself is to put in some
massive, drastic action. Like, instead of
driving your car, starting to ride a bicycle to
work. This could catapult you right into
disapproval and let you move outside your
comfort zone quickly. When you first move
out of your comfort zone it is uncomfortable.
But after a while you get used to it and theit shows up
serve the feeling in your mind and body
without judging it. If you just let it in and
observe it for maybe a minute or two
something wonderful happens. The feeling
just vanishes. Yeah, I know, it sounds weird
but give it a try.
The funny thing is when you no longer need
approval from others, when you stop
comparing yourself to others you will have a
greater inner freedom to do what you want.
You will notice positive opportunities in your
life that wasn't there before.
And, as usual, dont feel too bad or beat
yourself up if you snap back to wanting
approval. Just get back on track the next day,
keep it up and gradually you will change.

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Planning for a new year

it is very obvious it's yuletide and the  year is coming to a close,but merely ending it,is not just the goal of the year .At this moment the very wise thing is to see the year in retrospect, to access the the success achieved and the opportunity missed.Nevertheless dwelling in the past is not a successful mindset but precautionary one .Don't procastinate, there has never been a better time in all of
human history to be alive than today.
There are more opportunities for you to
accomplish more things, in more different fields,
engaging in more different activities, than have
ever existed before.
Resolve today to make 2014 the very best year
of your life. Resolve today to draw a line under
your past and to focus very clearly on your
future.
Resolve today that you are going to set goals,
make plans, take actions and achieve more in
the coming year than perhaps you have ever
accomplished in any one single year before.
One of the great rules for success is this: “It
doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; all
that really matters is where you’re going!”
No matter what you have done or accomplished
in the past, “that was then and this is now.”
The very best days, weeks, months and years of
your life lie ahead. The most exciting
accomplishments and the greatest achievements
are still to come. As Shakespeare said, “The past
is merely a prelude.”
As it happens, everyone has goals. But some
people seem to accomplish their goals far more
systematically and with greater assurance than
others. Why is this? The answer is simple.
People who accomplish goals at a higher rate
than the average are people who use a
systematic, proven method of goal setting and
goal attainment.
Focus and Concentration
Perhaps the two most important qualities of
success are focus and concentration. Focus
means knowing exactly what it is you want and
concentration means having the discipline to
concentrate single-mindedly on one thing, the
most important thing, until it is complete.
If you have these qualities, and both of these
qualities are learned through practice, you can
accomplish virtually anything. There are no
limits on your future if you can focus and
concentrate every hour of every single day.
Back From the Future Thinking
The starting point of setting goals for the coming
year is for you to project forward and think
back. Practice what we call “Back from the
Future” thinking. Project forward to the end of
the next twelve months and ask yourself, “If
everything happens perfectly, what will it look
like?”
The one quality of men and women who become
leaders in their own lives and societies,
throughout all of history is the quality of vision.
They have the ability to visualize. They can see
the future well in advance of it becoming a
reality. They can then see the steps that they
will need to take to get from where they are to
where they want to go.
So if your next twelve months were ideal, in
every respect, what would happen or, what
would have happened, at the end of that twelve
month period?
You need to set goals that are multi-
dimensional. You need to set goals for every
part of your life so that you function like a well-
oiled machine, like a balanced wheel that goes
around smoothly in every respect. You need
goals for your health, for your career, for your
finances, for your relationships, for your
personal and professional development, for your
community and for your spiritual growth.
Nothing happens by accident. Everything
happens for a reason. And you are the “primary
creative force” in your own life. You are the
reason. Things are happening in your life
because you make them happen, not because
you sit around and wait for them to happen.

7-Goal Setting Model
Here is the basic seven-step model of goal
setting. You can use this like breathing in and
breathing out on a regular basis to accelerate
your attainment of any goal you can imagine for
yourself.

Step One
Step number one is for you to decide exactly
what you want. This immediately moves you into
a separate category of people because most
people have no idea of what they really want.
Clarity is the most important single quality of
goal-setting and perhaps the most important
single quality of success. Decide exactly what
you want in each area of your life. Instead of
fuzzy goals like more money, better health and
happiness, be specific about exactly how much
more money you want to earn in a specific
period of time and combine that with exactly
what level of health and fitness you desire.
Most people are unconsciously preoccupied with
the fear of failure. It is the greatest single
obstacle to success in adult life. And the fear of
failure can work on you unconsciously by
blocking you from setting clear specific goals.
Why? Well, if you don’t set clear, specific goals,
then you can’t fail to achieve them. So your
subconscious mind is actually protecting you by
helping you to avoid failure.
You must resist and overcome this tendency by
having the courage to be bold and specific about
exactly what you want.

Step Two
Write your goal down on paper.
Anywhere for that matter, have written goals.
Everyone else that thinks about a written goal
and plans to write them down, someday. But
they never get around to it. Most people spend
more time making a list of groceries before they
go shopping or planning a vacation than they do
in planning their lives. But again, this is not for
you. Success begins with a pad of paper, a pen
and a few minutes of your time. One of the
most important keys to success is to “think on
paper.”
All successful people “think on paper.” And
here are two important points. If you cannot
write it down clearly and specifically on a piece
of paper, then it means that you are not really
clear about it yourself. Perhaps you don’t even
want it. What is worse, it may be that you are
afraid that you may not attain it. Nonetheless, a
goal that is written down is merely a fantasy or
a wish. A goal that is clearly written and
described on a piece of paper takes on a power
of its own, it is now something concrete that you
can touch and feel and work with.
The second principle of writing goals down is
that something miraculous happens between
the head and the hand. When you actually write
a goal down, it is as if you are programming it
into your subconscious mind and activating a
whole series of mental powers that will enable
you to accomplish more than you ever dreamed
of. By writing it down you intensify your desire
for the goal and you increase your belief that
the goal is possible.
You begin to expect to achieve the goal and you
start to attract people and circumstances into
your life that are consistent with the attainment
of the goal. Writing your goal down is one of the
most amazing of all goal-setting skills and it is a
key to your success .

Step Three
The third step is for you to set a deadline. If it is
a large goal, set a series of sub-deadlines. A
deadline acts as a “forcing system” on your
subconscious mind and begins to move you
toward your goal rapidly while it moves your
goal toward you.
Sometimes people ask me, “What if I set a goal
and I don’t achieve it by the deadline?” The
answer is simple. Set another deadline.
Remember, a deadline is a guess-timate of
when you will achieve it. Sometimes you will
achieve your goal well in advance of your
deadline. Sometimes goals will take much longer
than you expect. But you must have a target
time before you set off.
It is like making a reservation at a restaurant.
You may be five minutes early or five minutes
late, but you always have a specific time for
which your dinner is reserved.

Step Four
The fourth step is for you to make a list of
everything you could possibly think of that you
will have to do to achieve your goal. The more
comprehensive your list, the more motivated
you will become, the more intense will be your
desire and the more you will believe it possible.
One of the things that hold people back is even
if they get to the point of a written goal; they do
not take the time to lay out a list of all the little
things they will have to do to get there. And
with additional experience, you will add new
items to your list until it finally becomes
complete.

Step Five
The fifth step of goal setting is for you to take
your list and organize it into a plan. A plan is
really quite simple. It is a list organized by
priority and importance. You decide what you
will do first and what you will do later. You
decide what is more important and what is less
important. And most of all, you decide upon the
one thing that is more important than anything
else that you can do immediately to begin
moving more rapidly towards your goal.

Step Six
Step number six is for you to “take action!” This
is the big killer for most people. They are
procrastinators. They have great ideas combined
with great hopes and dreams. They may even
get to the point of writing down their goals. But
when it comes to taking action, they always
have a reason or excuse to procrastinate to put
it off until a later time. However, as the Bible
says, “Faith without deeds is dead.”
It is when you launch toward your goal that you
begin to feel the desire and power that goes
along with goal setting. And once you have
launched toward your goal, it is much easier for
you to continue moving in that direction.

Step Seven
Step number seven is for you to do something
every day to move you toward your major goal.
Never let a day go by without you engaging in
some action that helps you move another step
in the direction of what you really, really want
in life.
Remember, you can’t hit a target that you
can’t see . And if you don’t know where you are
going, any road will get you there.
The simple seven step act of deciding exactly
what you want, writing it down, setting a
deadline, making a list, organizing the list into a
plan, taking action on the most important item
on your list and then doing something every day
towards your goal will change your life and your
future in ways that you cannot even dream of
today.

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10 simple steps to financial freedom before reaching 30

Being financially secure enough to enjoy your
life in retirement is the last thing on the minds
of those under 30. After all, with the stress of
all the expensive "firsts" that often come about
during this period, like purchasing a car, buying
a house and starting a family, it's hard to even
think about saving for the future. However,
working toward financial security need not be an
exercise in self-deprivation, as many people
assume. Attaining this goal even has some
immediate benefits, as financial insecurity can
become a serious source of stress - something
"20-somethings" have enough of already.
So can you achieve long-term financial security
without sacrificing your short-term goals?
Read on for 10 tips on how to do just that.
1. Have Fun
Enjoy yourself while you are young - you will
have plenty of time to be miserable when you
are older. Living a successful, enjoyable and
happy life is about achieving a proper balance
between time with family and friends and
between work and leisure time. Striking a proper
balance between your life today and your future
is also important. Financially, we can't live as if
today was our last day. We have to decide
between what we spend today versus what we
spend in the future. Finding the correct balance
is an important first step toward achieving
financial security.
2. Recognize Your Most Important Financial
Asset:
Yourself, Your skills, knowledge and experience are the
biggest asset you have. The value of your future
earnings will dwarf any savings or investments
you might have for most of your career. Your
job and future career is the most important
factor in achieving financial independence and
security. For those just entering the work force,
future career opportunities are as bright as
they've ever been. The large number of retiring
baby boomers is expected to create labor
shortages. There will be room for advancement
as companies scramble to fill the positions held
by these aging baby boomers. Those who are in
a position to take advantage of these
opportunities will benefit the most.
Look at yourself as a financial asset. Investing in
yourself will pay off in the future. Increase your
value through hard work, continual upgrading of
skills and knowledge, and making smart career
choices. Efforts to improve your career can have
a far bigger impact on your financial security
than tightening your belt and trying to save
more.
3. Become a Planner, Not a Saver
Research has shown that those who plan for the
future end up with more wealth than those who
do not. Successful people are goal oriented: they
set goals and develop a plan to achieve them.
For example, if you set a goal to pay off your
student loans in two years, you'll have a better
chance of achieving this goal than you would if
you merely said you wanted to pay off your
student loans, but failed to set a timetable.
Become a planner. Set goals and develop an
action plan to reach them. Even the process of
writing down some goals will help you to achieve
them. Being goal oriented and following a plan
means taking control of your life. It is an
important step toward improving your financial
independence and security.
4. Set Short-Term Goals - Long-Term Goals
Will Take Care of Themselves
Life holds many uncertainties - and a lot can
change between now and 30 years into the
future. As such, the prospect of planning far
into the future is a daunting task and in many
ways, it's often an exercise in futility for young
investors.
Rather than setting long-term goals, set a series
of small short-term goals. These goals could be
a simple as trying to pay off credit card debt or
student loans in a matter of months. Maybe
your goal is to contribute to your company's
pension plan with a set salary reduction
contribution each month. Setting short-term
goals that will help you to advance in your
career is important in helping you get ahead.
Remember, these short-term goals should be
measurable and precise. You can't win a race if
there's no finish line.
As you achieve your short-term goals, set other
short-term goals. Maybe you want
to acquire a higher degree (masters or doctorate ) ,house,earn a promotion at work or start up a new business from which you can buy your dream car. The constant setting and achieving of short-
term goals will ensure that you reach your
longer-term goals. If your goal is to be worth a
million  by age 40, you cannot achieve
this without first achieving smaller goals like having what people call "peanuts". Remember Rome wasn't built in day
.
5. Planning For Retirement:
Forget about it?
Just out of school, retirement planning is the last
thing on your mind. So, if you have to for now,
just "fuggetaboutit". If you follow the other tips,
you will not only be more financially secure and
prepared in the short term, but you will also be
financially prepared for the distant future as
well.
However, if you take a few steps now to start
saving, like setting up automatic monthly
contributions to a retirement plan the better, or if probably you're  still in school you can make this an agenda or prioty when you have started working .
If you implement this pay yourself first ideal,
you won't have to worry about how much
you're contributing; the most important thing is
to develop the habit of saving. The rest will take
care of itself. You can increase your
contributions when your income rises or when
you've achieved more of your short-term
financial goals.
6. Make Sure Your Lifestyle Costs Lag Your Income Growth
Many new graduates find that in the first couple
years of working they have excess cash flow. Still
used to their more frugal student spending
habits, it is easy to make more money than they
need. Rather than using excess income to buy
new toys and live a more luxurious lifestyle, this
excess could be put toward reducing debt or
adding to savings. As you advance in your
career and attain greater responsibility, your
salary should increase. If the cost of your
lifestyle lags your income growth, you will always
have excess cash flow that can be put toward
paying down debt, making investments, saving
for a home, or achieving any other financial
goals you .For all you know, you may
make more than the Joneses, who may be
funding their lavish lifestyle with debt anyway.
The good life should be a reward for your hard
work, good fortune and successful planning, not
something that you are entitled to. Once you
have established a certain lifestyle, it is
psychologically difficult to lower it. It is very easy to raise it.
7. Become Financially Literate
Making money is one thing; saving it and making
it grow is another. Financial management and
investing are lifelong endeavors. Making sound
financial and investment decisions is important
for achieving your financial goals. The more
knowledgeable and experienced you are in
financial matters, the fewer mistakes you will
make.
Research has shown that people who are
financially literate end up with more wealth than
those who are not. There is a strong monetary
incentive for becoming financially sophisticated.
Taking the time and effort to become
knowledgeable in the areas of personal finance
and investing will pay off throughout your life.
8. Seize the Opportunities:Take Calculated Risks.
Taking calculated risks when you are young can
be a prudent decision in the long run. You might
make mistakes along the way, but remember,
mistakes are the lessons of wisdom. You often
learn more from your mistakes than from your
successes. Also, when you are young, you can
recover faster from financial mistakes, and you
have many times to heal off.Taking calculated risks when you can afford to
do so is necessary to get ahead financially.
Playing it safe might be the bigger mistake in the
long run.
9. Borrow Money For Investments - Never to Finance a Lifestyle
As mentioned before with the Joneses, you
should never borrow to finance a lifestyle you
cannot afford. Using credit for a life you feel
entitled to is a losing proposition when it comes
to building wealth. The constant borrowing will
assure that there is no money available for
investing, and the added interest expense of
borrowing further increase your risk but in these cases, borrowing can provide the leverage you need to a reach your
financial goals faster. Borrowing to meet short-
term desires is wasteful .
10. Take Advantage of Financial Freebies
Not many things in life are free invest only you time to study financial times ,journals of the economy.Be very much ready to receive advice about  been financially free such as this, it shows you're wise it doesn't cost any penny as such but your time and patience which will pay off greatly in the end.
Achieving financial independence is a goal most
people strive for. It is not necessarily easy, but
it is achievable if you understand your priorities,
set achievable goals and take the proper steps
toward reaching them.
GOOD LUCK ...SEE YOU THERE!

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How to switch off an angry person

Anger is one violent uprising from the innermost of irritated person,handling angry person is one tough thing that get you surprised and overwhelm .Any time I see people having angry altercations,
I perk up my ears and observe intently. I watch their displays, not in a sadistic or feeling superior kind of way, but fascinated with how it
unfolds: “Will it work for them? Are they going to get what they want with this approach”?
I have practically never seen it work, not during
my observations  in my  personal life.
Even on rare occasions where it seems to work
in the moment, yielding some win-loss
resolution, it never works sustainably. Peace can
never be found on a shaky and fake foundation
of emotional tyranny. As humorist Kin Hubbard
said, “nobody ever forgets where he buried a
hatchet.”
Here are some strategies for dealing with
difficult people, organized around the main
psychological premises driving their anger: fear
and need for control.

1.Disengage and don’t take it personally.
People are energy-conserving creatures. Just as
most animals attack out of self-defense, hunger
or other biological needs, human anger also is
goal-driven. Most people, even most violent
individuals, don’t walk around the majority of
the day attacking and abusing others. They lash
out in spurts.
Behind their violent shield, a threatening
individual is feeling threatened — maybe not by
you, but by something or someone. Their anger
is related to you only in a way in which some
action or expressed feeling of yours has
triggered some discomforting emotion within
them.
Threatening individuals commonly are
overwhelmed and scared. Big bullies have
deeply hurt and vulnerable cores. They are
expending their toxic energy to produce their
angry display as a distorted way to pursue some
goal related to their personal sense of safety
and significance. Even though the content may
be channeled at you, the driving force behind it
is related to their personality, upbringing, and
prior experiences. Most of their accusations are
based on subjective opinions and are very
loosely, or not at all, related to you personally.

2.Avoid ego battles and rides to the past.

When it comes to aggression, an unfortunate
point of difference between humans and less
evolved mammals is the ego. Some people are
willing to put their life on the line and injure
another person physically or emotionally to
protect their ego and restore their injured self-
esteem. Inflated egos are most vulnerable to the
slightest pokes and scratches, which is a
common infliction of defensive and
confrontational people.
Remember that ego injuries are always the
deeds of the past. This is why the great focus of
most angry people, when they are arguing, will
be buried in the past. Therefore, at all costs,
avoid accompanying them on their voyage there.
Drain them by letting them give a monologue
about their expired accusations. Avoid discussing
with them about who did what, when and why,
and how it made them feel, but repeatedly ask
how they propose solving this problem now.
Remember also that most angry people have a
victim mentality. They perpetually feel the world
owes them something and other people must
fulfill their preferences or needs. What angry
people say is almost never factual but emotional
in content, related to their fears, frustrations,
and bruised ego. Attempting to talk with them
almost always fails, as raging people are
narrowly focused, entitled, and prone to
listening only to themselves.

3.calmness and sanity.

An angry person is looking for a fight. Through their escalation and unfair accusations, they are
asking you to engage. As Eric Hoffer said,“rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
So, what is needed in the presence of a hot-
headed person? A cool-headed person. The
constructive response is not to indulge them in
any action. When they shout, you keep silent or
speak softly. When they come close, you
increase the distance. When they say a lot, you
say nothing or very little. Some people decide to
respond, thinking that ignoring a provocation
makes them lose and a bully to win. This is
contrary to what actually happens. You win by
disengaging. You become untouchable and gain
control by increasing emotional and physical
space.
Imagine this situation: You are on a road and
the driver in front of you drives dangerously and
erratically, swaying wildly sideways, speeding up
and pressing the brakes, honking randomly.
Should you catch up, open up your window and
attempt a discussion on proper driving? Of
course not. You shift lanes and drive away,
quietly demonstrating your intelligence and
preference for safety. De-escalate the angry
person in a similar manner, by exiting the scene
emotionally or physically, not participating in
their drama.
Remember also that basic defenses of angry,
self-justifying people are projection and denial.
You tell them that they are scaring you with
their shouting, they say you are the one yelling.
You tell them their words are hurtful, they tell
you that you told them things ten times worse,
plus you are the one who made them angry to
begin with. So, what are the ways to negotiate
with reality distorters? The short answer is
“there are none,” and the longer answer is,
“There are none, don’t even try.”

4.Give out an imaginary soothing

Cupcakes are sweet , peaceful, calming and
smile-inducing. Raging people often are in dire
need of an imaginary cupcake. A big part of
their anger is driven by their belief or feeling
that they never get any or someone stole or
damaged their cupcakes. So, generously give
them one or even a couple, even when they
seem to be undeserving of any sweetness.
Despite the obnoxious behavior, loud shouting,
screeching voices, clenching fists, pointing
fingers, red faces and all, most angry people
have a sad message. Most likely they are trying
to tell you that they are feeling hurt, ignored,
disrespected, unappreciated and unloved.
Listening and responding to these needs calmly
and emphatically can serve as the key to getting
more cooperation from emotionally agitated
people. Just say “I think I understand what is
going on here, but feel free to correct me, my
friend” and so on. Then offer some reflective
listening, validating their concerns to an extent.
Tell them something nice and peaceful. Agree
with them in theory. Do not assign any blame or
argue. Establish a basic premise for peace by
appealing in some way to the dormant, healthy
side of their personality by extending to them
some sense of grace, validation, and acceptance.

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Why pushing yourself so hard

Sometimes life challenges can be one big thorn on the flesh ,that make you reason why "its always happening to me" . you feel stuck in chronic self-punishment? Do
you reflexively turn against yourself with anger
or scorn whenever you feel embarrassment, a
lack of control, rejection or failure? Do you yell(scold )
at yourself, call yourself names, cut off from
people who care about you or neglect your
physical needs? Do you sometimes even feel
compelled to inflict physical harm on yourself?
Have you tried to tell yourself that this pattern
is not constructive, but find that you still cannot
seem to stop beating yourself up? Do remind
yourself you are lovable and valuable, but still
continue to self-attack?

You are not alone.
Self-punishment is so persistent because it is an
all-purpose defense against the pain of life. And
life is full of pain. We have strong needs for
connection, acceptance, success, and approval,
but we are faced with the reality that
sometimes people reject us, get disappointed
with us, and put their needs ahead of ours.
People we love, suffer and die and our life dreams do not always come true.
When we feel this pain, we build up energy
because we are wired to try to do something
about it. This energy can be experienced
internally as anger or even rage. It motivates us
to reach out to get comfort for our pain and it
drives us to get back out there and try again to
get what we want or need.
What if, however, we have been repeatedly and
consistently shot down, or ignored or scorned or
attacked for trying to get our needs met, or
neglected when we have asked for comfort, or
abused when we have tried to use our power?
Here is where self-punishment comes in. When
reaching out into the world no longer feels safe
or helpful, we take our anger and rage and turn
it back onto ourselves. We begin to believe, on
an unconscious level, that ‘I am the problem.
When I feel rejection or failure, it is my fault
and I must punish myself.’ Our resulting self-
attacking behaviors therefore do not reflect our
desire to feel pain; much to the contrary, they
are our hope for fixing the pain by sufficiently
punishing its cause – our selves.
Instead of solving our problems, however, our
self-attacks leave us beaten down and isolated.
We become decreasingly connected to other
people and increasingly imprisoned within our
self-punishment. We become so familiar with
our habit of attacking ourselves that it starts to
feel like a permanent part of who we are. Trying
to change it may even feel unsafe.
Our anger at ourselves might consume us and
distract us from being present and engaged with
our lives. Our relationships, our connections to
our bodies, and our drives toward creative or
professional development could get derailed or
weighed down by the vice grip of continual self-
punishing. We can lose sight of what we truly
want and need. We are at risk for getting
horribly off track and making poor choices,
trying to escape with drugs or alcohol,
developing destructive habits with food, and
then feeling even more reason to punish
ourselves as we start to regret our behaviors.
So how do we liberate ourselves from our self-
punishing tendencies?

First of all, we need to recognize that self-
punishment may be so deeply entrenched that
no amount of telling ourselves to be nice to
ourselves is going to make much difference. In
fact, it might cause us to be even more self-
punishing when, in our usual self-attacking way,
we get mad at ourselves for failing at being nice
to ourselves!
We also must move beyond a focus on self-
esteem. It may seem logical that if we could just
find self-love and acceptance, then we would
start being nicer to ourselves. Creating a more
positive sense of self is, of course, critically
important for improving our health and well-
being; self-punishment, however, is far more
complex than a lack of self-esteem.
Moving beyond self-punishment becomes
possible when we get the help that we need to
navigate in a new way when we feel pain.
Instead of relying on self-attacks, we practice
leaning on others to comfort us and soothe our
pain. We begin to internalize this comforting
feeling and become increasingly capable of self-
soothing. We develop compassion for our pain
and acceptance of our many human needs.
Over time, we find that we have resilience to
manage the pain of real life and the skill to
identify and pursue what we want and need.
Courageously, we release ourselves from self-
punishment and turn our energy back out into
the world.

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Best ways to keep friends forever

There goes the famous saying "no one can survive as an island" God  has so wired us that we so interconnected to each other to achieve fulfillment .well this is circled around friends .friends share your brightest moment and brighten your ugly times ,If you have one good friend, you are one of the few lucky persons in the world, who is optimistic that when things get wrong, there is always a shoulder to lean on. People who
have friends whom they trust and depend are more likely to live happier. They are also able to have a better sense of their
place in the universe in other words, a
sense of belongingness. Studies show that
people who have strong friendships not only
experience happiness but they are more
likely to enjoy life, have stronger immune
system, have better self-esteem and are
less likely to suffer from depression.
Do you have at least one friend whom you
know you can call in the middle of the night
if ever you are on a tough situation?
If you do, you are in good shape! If you
don’t – this may help you.
After reading many articles on friendships
and relationships, here are some of the
most important ways to keep a friend, and
how to make your friendship last longer.

1. Praise and compliment whenever
necessary – Sometimes that is the
best remedy for a bad hair day! So, go
ahead shower your friend with lots of
praises, but only if you mean very
well.

2. Listen and then listen again –
oftentimes just being there is the best moral support you can give.

3. Go out and have fun – life is too short
not to do things together. Leave your busy schedule  a few hours and just spend some time with your friends. It can save your sanity and make you
feel your age again. Do something fun– for girls/boys only!

4. Forgive each other – when you did
something wrong, let go and be willing
to ask for an apology. If your friend
asks for an apology, accept it and then
forgive each other. Learn the lesson
and then move on.

5. Keep your promises and build trust –
nothing is more discouraging if an
individual cannot be dependable. If
you said something, follow through. Be
trustworthy and true to your words.

6. Give your opinion when asked and
let them decide – it is great to give
your opinions – but only if it is asked.
If your friend needs a rude awakening,
tell the truth and if she/he takes it,
thank yourself – if not, don’t worry – it is not a big deal!

7. Show them you care – it doesn’t
matter whether you offer to hug  or give an opinion or rather
to cook their favorite food – whatever
it is, show that you care.

8. Accept who they are – your interests,
lifestyle and opinions can be different
and varied, but accept them. People
are born to be unique.

9. Share your life – Share your dreams,
your future, your problems and who
you really are. It’s through sharing
that friendships grow.

10. Laugh together – laughing is always
the best medicine. It can take away
many wrinkles!

11. Stay in touch – whether you are
extremely busy with your family and
work, take time to say hi or hello once
in a while. Keep abreast with the
happenings in each other’s lives. Let
them know that you are still alive and kicking!

12. Thank each other – for the
friendship, the time and for knowing each other!

13. Don’t spill any secrets – once this is
broken, you’ll likely have to start all
over again. But it is okay, life is meant
to be a learning curve.

Don't forget their special date such birthday, anniversary ...

To Enjoy the beauty of friendship make it a fine art !

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Eleven lessons to learn from nelson mandela

It was shocking on hearing the demise of our great hero ,a man that has endangered his life for fighting the course of freedom.it is indeed a great loss not to southAfrica alone but to the entire continent and beyond.however,  Like  it said there is time for everything in life "a time to live and time to die" ,but our very own MADIBA has left us legacies and lessons that should  continually resound in our daily life.
There are 11 lessons (from many) that I would like to share from his legacy which
would help us make a small but positive mark in our society.
Here they are:
1. Determination in fighting for the right thing.
Nelson Mandela’s fought against
apartheid for was a struggle of more than 50
years from 1943 when he joined ANC to 1994
when South Africa became independent and
he became president. Of these years, 27 were
in prison.

2. Never sell out on your beliefs.
Nelson Mandela while still serving in prison had
repeated offers from the apartheid regime to
accept release for independence in small
portion of South Africa called the Transkei,
from where he hailed from. He simply turned
them all down.

3. Be ready to change your tactics. In 1960
Nelson Mandela together with other leaders
set up the military wing of ANC. After being
released from prison in 1990, Mandela would
eventually renounce all armed tactics and
once again resort to peaceful negotiations.

4. Know the facts. Mandela was an astute
lawyer and during his incarceration, his
jailers in the 1980s, repeatedly attempted to
get him to renounce militarism; however he
remained adamant in his belief that prisoners
cannot enter into contracts – only free men
can negotiate.

5. Admit our mistakes. In interviews later in
life, Mandela admitted that the ANC had
committed some human rights abuses and
even criticized anyone who attempted to deny
it.

6. Reconcile with your enemies. Nelson
Mandela worked on the setting up the Truth &
Reconciliation Commission.

7. Sharing with others.
Mandela has shared
his life in books and through post retirement
charity organizations that work on ills
affecting the world today.

8. Lead from the front. When the Springboks
rugby team won the 1995 rugby world cup,
Nelson Mandela presented the winner’s
trophy to the Captain Francois Pienaar while
wearing a replica of Pienaar’s no. 6
Springboks t-shirt. This was a symbol that
served to further heal the very tangible racial
tension, in South Africa.

9. Letting go. Nelson Mandela became
President in 1994 and in 1999 chose not to
run for a second term , yet he could have won
by a landslide. He instead handed over to
Thabo Mbeki.

10. Smile. Mandela is also known for his big
smile when he is meeting with people all over
the world.

11. Serve humbly. Graca Machel once said, “I
found this simple man,” as she described him
in 1998 just before they were married. Indeed
his actions of “letting go” of a presidency, of
forgiving his captors, serving tea to his
guests, and many more are testament to the
humility and person of Nelson Mandela.
If applied, these lessons would make the
world a better place.
may God bless Nelson Mandela and give his family the fortitude to bear the loss ..(amen)
.....live on MADIBA ! Adieu

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The winning attitude of champions

The very day we made the very first cry on the earth marks the begin of the struggle to attain a height of satisfaction and happiness in life.challenges are those daily huddles fate has set in life that we may cross to achieve greater height.
  Life is tough,
The challenges of daily living are so daunting,
only very few surface above the fray.
But you can rise above the storms of your life
simply by mastering these 8 winning attitudes of
champions.

Yes, you too can be a champion!
#1 Champions feed and grow on challenges.
I like to play the snake game on my cell phone,
and, indeed, it’s my favorite. I like the idea
that the snake gets longer and larger by gulping
down bits of obstacles along it’s path. Each
time I play that game, I’m often reminded of
this first of the 8 winning attitudes of
champions, which is that champions feed and
grow on challenges. If you have this attitude, it
will empower you to advance against the
obstacles strewn along the path to your
preferred realities.

#2 Champions know that the best
calculations are prone to fail and no plan is
foolproof
You see, no matter how smart you are and how
much precautions you take, you are still going to
encounter lots of nasty seasons.
Management wisdom has it that whatever can
go wrong will go wrong.
Champions know this and prepare ahead of
time.

#3 Champions have the attitude that expects
turbulence during the flight.
Before take off in any flight, the pilot usually
says something like, "We expect some slight
turbulence, but that’s nothing to worry about."
Champions expect turbulence during the flight.
But they also have an attitude that says "If and
when the turbulence rises, I’ll ride the storm
and not be deterred by any temporary
difficulties."

#4 Champions know that they may need to
make some adjustments in the way they
pursue their dreams, based on information
that was not available to them initially
This is why champions have an open heart. They
are rapid learners and never cease to learn.
In fact, champions relish data and facts, and are
ravenous consumers of information.
Champions are open to change and keep
adjusting their methods and techniques to take
advantage of new realities to enhance their
performance and success.
This is why they usually stay ahead of everybody
else.

#5 But champions have an attitude of
gratitude at all times, particularly when things
don’t go their way according to plan
This is because they fully understand that after
the storm comes the rain and that there are
silver linings behind every cloud.
Champions know that there are favors and
breakthroughs embedded within every adversity.

#6 Champions do not lose their faith in their
God
Their faith in their God is so deep that they can
draw from the supernatural strength of their
God to deal with their challenges.
Champions have a rock-solid faith in their God.
When even their strongest allies fail and turn
against them, they know exactly where to turn
to for inner strength

#7 Champions do not allow their personal
difficulties to stop them from loving and
caring
In spite of their frequent challenges, champions
take the little that they have and share with
others. I believe this is the major key that
unlocks their victories.
Champions understand the power of love,
caring, and generosity, which is why they have
such great hearts, and such phenomenal
successes.

#8 Ultimately, champions don’t quit, which is
why they win
Champions do not interpret temporary setbacks
as permanent failures, but rather as stepping
stones to new levels.
If you refuse to quit in spite of your troubles, if
you go forward with a positive attitude towards
temporary setbacks, you’ll see your life powering
forward to new heights with the supernatural
energy of your God.
As I said in the beginning, life is tough, and the
challenges of daily living are so daunting that
only very few surface above the fray.
But you can rise above the storms of your life
simply by mastering these 8 winning attitudes of
champions
.
Having these eight attitudes of champions winning is a matter of  starting and finishing without any excuse.winning in life should be seen very important because at a point no one cares about the reasonable reasons why you failed ...

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Ten reasons why people marry the wrong person

Getting married is the most beautiful experience one can ever have,the feeling of spending your whole life with the very one you love is one thought that consumes  mind and soul (afterall we are all gearing toward happiness ),but often times you hear shipwreck along the married life of some folks you begin to question yourself if some people  were thoughtful before screaming "I do"..Here are ten reasons why people marry the very wrong people
#1. You pick the wrong person because you
expect him/her to change after you're
married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The
golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the
person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it,
"You actually can expect people to change after
they're married... for the worse!"
So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you
focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character
keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love"
syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check
for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing
the right thing" is more important than personal
comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure
to other people? How does s/he treat people s/
he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to
do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does
s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person? Do I want to have a child with this
person? Would I like my child to turn out like
him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the
man doesn't understand what a woman needs
most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs,
and more often than not, it is the man who just
doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus
on the man to understand the emotional needs
of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to
feel that she is the most important person in
her husband's life. The husband needs to give
her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to
intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to
meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is
always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-
oriented, especially when it comes this area. As
a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two
speeds: on and off." Women are experience-
oriented. When a man is able to switch gears
and become more experience-oriented, he will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and
focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing
things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because
you do not share a common life goals and
priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with
another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of
connection that sharing life goals provide. After
marriage, the two of you will either grow
together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart,
you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone
who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A
soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who
ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and therefore share the same
priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because
you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage
can be a big problem because it often precludes
a fully honest exploration of important issues.
Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind.
And a clouded mind is not inclined to make
good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order
to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If
you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible, you
don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies
done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate
arena is almost never cited as a main reason
why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you
do not have a deeper emotional connection
with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper
emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect
and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this
person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We
do not respect someone because they own a
Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities
of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also
means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel
I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you
choose someone with whom you don't feel
emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel
calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with
this person? Does this person make me feel
good about myself? Do you have a really close
friend who does make you feel this way? Make
sure the person you marry makes you feel the
same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You
should not feel you need to monitor what you
say because you are afraid of how the other
person will view it. If you're afraid to express
your feelings and opinions openly, there's a
problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't
feel the other person is trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you. There's a big
difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your
benefit; a control statement is made for their
benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you
don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship
must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up
the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate,
negotiate, and work together. Over the course
of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You
need to know now, before making a
commitment: Can you resolve your differences
and find compromises that work for both of
you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what
bothers you. This is also a way for you to test
how vulnerable you can be with this person. If
you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you
use the relationship to escape from personal
problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably
be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does
not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate
them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life,
take responsibility to fix it now while you are
single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse
will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/
she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is
emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated
from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated
with things as well, such as work, drugs,
Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in the triangle
cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You
will not be their number one priority. And that's
no basis for a marriage.

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