Ten reasons why people marry the wrong person

Getting married is the most beautiful experience one can ever have,the feeling of spending your whole life with the very one you love is one thought that consumes  mind and soul (afterall we are all gearing toward happiness ),but often times you hear shipwreck along the married life of some folks you begin to question yourself if some people  were thoughtful before screaming "I do"..Here are ten reasons why people marry the very wrong people
#1. You pick the wrong person because you
expect him/her to change after you're
married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The
golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the
person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it,
"You actually can expect people to change after
they're married... for the worse!"
So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you
focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character
keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love"
syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check
for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing
the right thing" is more important than personal
comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure
to other people? How does s/he treat people s/
he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to
do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does
s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person? Do I want to have a child with this
person? Would I like my child to turn out like
him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the
man doesn't understand what a woman needs
most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs,
and more often than not, it is the man who just
doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus
on the man to understand the emotional needs
of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to
feel that she is the most important person in
her husband's life. The husband needs to give
her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to
intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to
meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is
always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-
oriented, especially when it comes this area. As
a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two
speeds: on and off." Women are experience-
oriented. When a man is able to switch gears
and become more experience-oriented, he will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and
focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing
things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because
you do not share a common life goals and
priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with
another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of
connection that sharing life goals provide. After
marriage, the two of you will either grow
together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart,
you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone
who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A
soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who
ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and therefore share the same
priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because
you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage
can be a big problem because it often precludes
a fully honest exploration of important issues.
Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind.
And a clouded mind is not inclined to make
good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order
to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If
you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible, you
don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies
done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate
arena is almost never cited as a main reason
why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you
do not have a deeper emotional connection
with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper
emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect
and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this
person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We
do not respect someone because they own a
Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities
of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also
means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel
I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you
choose someone with whom you don't feel
emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel
calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with
this person? Does this person make me feel
good about myself? Do you have a really close
friend who does make you feel this way? Make
sure the person you marry makes you feel the
same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You
should not feel you need to monitor what you
say because you are afraid of how the other
person will view it. If you're afraid to express
your feelings and opinions openly, there's a
problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't
feel the other person is trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you. There's a big
difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your
benefit; a control statement is made for their
benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you
don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship
must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up
the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate,
negotiate, and work together. Over the course
of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You
need to know now, before making a
commitment: Can you resolve your differences
and find compromises that work for both of
you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what
bothers you. This is also a way for you to test
how vulnerable you can be with this person. If
you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you
use the relationship to escape from personal
problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably
be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does
not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate
them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life,
take responsibility to fix it now while you are
single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse
will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/
she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is
emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated
from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated
with things as well, such as work, drugs,
Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in the triangle
cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You
will not be their number one priority. And that's
no basis for a marriage.